March 12th, 2006

Sunday is the one year anniversary of the death of my mother-- who died far too young (age 61) and most unfairly at the hands of colon cancer that crept silently into her liver and killed her.

There are often times when I think about life and death and how many times it claims such fantastically wonderful people. And the only conclusion that makes any sense is that it is a secret blessing. "Time off for good behavior", I call it.

But that's about as philosophical as I can get tonight. I'm toasting her with a little shiraz (2001) and a couple of dark chocolate Bahlsen Afrika cookies (one of her favorite kinds).

I still miss her-- and not any more or any less than I did one year ago immediately after she exhaled her very last breath and we couldn't find a pulse and it was all over and I couldn't imagine how I was possibly expected to live the rest of my own life afterward.

It's been one hell of a 12 months.
And guess what?
I found an apartment to live in when my housesitting gig is over at the end of March.
I signed the lease today and I can move in on the 15th. I think I will take advantage of the overlapping time and move in slowly and find the right furniture and settle in right.

It is a cute little studio. Very small, but I feel good about it. And I want to shout out like a kid on the monkey bars, "hey, Mom! Look! Look what I did all by myself!" I think she would like the place. It's nice, new and clean. And it's in a hilly area with cute houses and you can take lovely walks.

And I shall dedicate my walks to her.

She was one of my all time favoritest people in the whole universe.
She was the only person I always felt completely comfortable around. I think that that's probably because for a period of about 9 months back in the late 70's, we hung out in the same place: her body.

It's weird to think her body only exists now in the form of handfulls of ashes distributed to various family members and scattered amongst various geographical locations.

My handful resides in a small but lovely wooden box that will be the center of a small alter I will make in my new apartment.

This place came along at the very time I desperately needed something to look forward to. I'd like to believe I didn't find it completely on my own. It may have been luck, or it may have been her spirit silently moving me in the right direction.

Either way...

I'm a little more hopeful than I was 7 days ago. And that's something.

Thanks for stopping by.



Below: 2 years ago.